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tiina16's Journal

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3rd October 2011

Posted on , @ :
: Its only been three years
Its only been three years. Three years since i've posted. Three years since i've really stopped and though enough about what is on my mind to write it down. Its been so long that I didn't even remember my password and user name. Well looking back on some of my old posts, life was far more dramatic back in high school. I guess its time to start a new chapter!
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: I'm tired and I am so done. 



Things didn't turn out the way I wanted, so what. Life will go on, I guess it always does.
Current Mood: apathetic
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: Found this cool story, reminded me of The Little Prince. Here is just a small snip it of it.

Chapter One
        The little girl walked through the dark forest alone. The night was cold, she clutched her thin black shawl to her shoulders as she looked to the night sky. As she walked bare foot on the soft moss and small twigs of the woods, the same woods that she once found so comforting so forgiving, she remembered better times. She now strained to recall the soft yellow of the warm sun the once rained down between the branches of crisp green leaves. Startled by the sound of a falling branch she was shaken from her thoughts. The little girl continued through the woods struggling to find her bearings.

The color of the sky a deep red against the now black tendrils of overpowering trees sent a chill down her spine. Again she clutched her shawl and walked on. The slight breeze was refreshing as she struggled to stay awake. Just as she walked past a large boulder she heard a soft thud and noticed a strange glow emitting from the ground just ahead of her. Slightly afraid, she tip toed toward the glow. She put her hands against the moss-coated boulder and peered over the top straining her eyes to see where the light was coming from. Perhaps a lantern? Maybe someone could tell her the way out of the woods that had become like a labyrinth.

She slowly crept through the trees to find the source of the light. The gentle blue radiance grew stronger as she walked closer until she finally found the source of the light. It was a star. Small, strong and gentle a star that had fallen from the sky. Still a little afraid the child stopped a few steps from the star. However she was close enough to notice something very peculiar- the little blue star was crying. Frozen in her surprise the star was roused from its tears enough to speak out.

“Wait! Don’t leave me please I’m alone.” Is said in through sobs.

            The child was surprised at this. How could a strong star that blazes in the night sky fall so very far?

“Please, please don’t leave! I am alone here.” The star begged the child.

The girl pondered this, still a little surprised. She couldn’t believe the glamorous star was tarnished on the ground and begging her to stay and keep the sad lost star company.

“I’m still here. I won’t leave you.” She assured the star.

The fear began to fade and curiousity began to set it.

“Why have you fallen star?”

“I do not know. I was knocked from my place and fell here. What is a small star to do alone in this place?” The star sobbed.

“Please don’t cry star.” The child asked. “You see I have lost my way and it is so very dark here. It wasn’t until I came upon your light that I could see the forest around us.” She explain.

“Really?”

“Yes please don’t cry star. We may be lost but we are no longer alone.” She assured the little star as she knelt down on the ground and took the shawl from her shoulders and dried the stars tears while shinning the away the small tarnishes.

“There now you see there is no reason to cry little star. We will some how find out way.” Again she assured the star.

The little girl sat down next to the star and stared inquisitively at the ground. After all what does one do with a small tarnish sobbing star?

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: Hvaen't posted in a while

So I haven't even looked at live journal in forever. Not much to up date. Just been really busy, started work again this month at the club. Going to away next weekend, should be nice. I've been really busy lately a lot of exciting stuff going on. Doing stuff for the musical and for Carrie's show. Its actually pretty good because we're doing Hamlet in my English class. Carrie and I watched the modern version once it was pretty easy to follow especailly with a William S. expert but still its nice to really understand the play before getting to do work with it. 

Umm let me think . What else is new? Not much school is boring most of the people (notice I didn't say all) make it worth showing up. Most of my classes are pretty cool. Busy with plans for next year. Most of my friends know what they're doing and where they're going, but nope not me. Because actually knowing where you will be next year is just too easy isn't it?Well I suppose its self inflicted so I can't complain and there isn'y much I can do about it right now. Just know that I will be in Finland next year. I'll give you guys an address to send post cards to as soon as I have one. 

*sigh* I'd say majority of my stress at this point involves moving stuff. But its still a few months before I need to freak out so I keep telling myself to just breath and worry about it all later. Besides I've got so much exciting stuff going on right now for the play that moving should be the last thing on my mind.

In summation life is good but stressssful!

Current Mood: hey Kym! "BLAH!"
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: Chrismas hasn't even begun yet and I can't wait for it to be over. I hate Christmas, I hate the stress and I hate that Santa isn't real anymore. It just seems like its all so fake without Santa.
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: and the hits just keep on comming...

just when i thought that things couldn't get anymore i got a nice visit from my uncle (mom's brother). After insulting me, talking down to me and insulting and accusing my Dad right in my own driveway i politely and calmly informed him that the conversation was over. How dare he insult my Dad! The man that took care of me and my sister when we needed it the most. The man was who throughout my enitre life has never left my side. No matter how stupid I've been no matter how dumb he has always been there- offering advice and guidence. He has always been there. Even when we weren't close he has always made me and Lisa a priority. How dare my uncle come to my hosue and try tosway my thinking. 

i can't say that i've been happy lately. I've actually been kind of cut off from everything, numb. but this little surprise visit didn't help things. Some of the people around me are so toxic. I feel like they're slowly killing me. Them and my negative mentality. Seriously when did i get to be such a Debbie Downer. Whatever, my uncle is a bitch and drama is pouring into my life. i guess thats all.

Current Mood: cynical
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: I just finished watching a really crazy bollywood movie, it was really weird. Just how i like them. So I stumbled across this website were you punch in your birth date and it gives you a summary of who you were in your past life. I don't really know if i beleive mine but have a read and giggle.


Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Wales around the year 975. Your profession was that of a entertainer, musician, poet or temple-dancer.
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You always liked to travel and to investigate. You could have been a detective or a spy.
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You should develop self-love and ability to implant hope into hearts of people. Ambition is not everything. True wealth is buried in your soul.
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: Todays events...

FOB was really fun. I'm not really a fan of theirs anymore but it was nostalgic. It was a trip down memory lane. All together a fun night topped off by a trip to the diner. cool stuff.

Work in the morning, 'night peeps.

 

 

Current Mood: sleepy
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: Remember Remember...


Remember Remember the fifth of November 
The Gunpowder, treason and plot,
I know of no reason
Why gunpowder treason 
Should ever be forgot




Yes indeed remember remember the fifth of November. Lets take a moment to remember out fallen comrade; our brother in arms, our past eccentric revolutionary. Yes he was as crazy as he was brilliant, but didn't he have a real purpose? Aren't his revolutionary ideas still pertinent today?Don't his ideas of change still ring true in the inner chambers of our capital building?

I say yes. I'm not saying an act of violence (or in Guy Fawks' case an attempt) is ever justified. After all it was Gandhi who said "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." However an act to promote change would be a breaht of fresh air in the our world of stagnant stale political dialog. Until the days of our revolution I'll sit and wait for a successful fifth of November. 

Someone will lead us out of this mess, maybe you, maybe me- but someway we'll find out way out of this political purgatory. When that days comes it will be chaos, and true revolution friends. I don't know about you, but I know I'm psyched. Isn't anyone else tired of hypocrasy and hierarchy? 

Until that day of true change, when politics are baised on truth, honesty and loyalty we must remember one man's failed attempt to promote change on the fifth of November so many years ago...

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: Ok so I understand that older people have their own ideas and beleive me that I'm the last person to argue with an old person. So I kept my mouh shut today when she said went on and on about praying to saints and this and that and whatever. Everyone is entitled to their beleifs and I have endless respect for people who have strong beleifs, and who truely understand and commit to their own religion. But when people are condesending and look at me like a "lost soul" in need of saving really pisses me off. Just by implying that I'm a lost soul I find offensive because to me that means that I'm nieve enough to be lost in the first place. I have my reasons for things and its annoying that I people can't just be understanding. Whats worse is that I think that as an athiest I have thought a lot more about religion than most of the people I know who are commited to a religion. (don't worry none of my friends that would read this fall into that catagory) 

Its just annoying that I'm constantly having to defend myself and justify myself. I don't ask people who have a religion to do it so they shouldn't ask me to. They shouldn't but they do anyway. I guess I just have to remember that its not a reflection on me. Who the hell are they to give me commentary on my life or my beliefs. I agree with the quote by 

I came across this lovely quote while doing some research...

"No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God.” George W. Bush

To be quite blunt, what an asshole! I don't understand where he gets off saying that athiests aren't citizens. I know that there are a lot of fucked up things in this country but this is another gem of wisdom from Mr.Bush. Nice one George. Our lovely nation "under god" seems to be the exact problem that the pilgrams who came to America were trying to avoid - religious persecution. Don't even get me started on how Muslims in this country are treated. Whatever I'm sick of talking about this.
Current Mood: aggravated
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: Sometimes I'm so freaking contradicotry!
Dispite the fact that I constently change, I'm currently quite sick of my hypocritical, wishy washy self. I need to make my mind up but i really can't seem to. I suppose for now I'll just deal with it. Seriously cocky people who know everything about everything really piss me off, but at least i respect them. Right now  I really can't deicde what to do or where to go from here. I guess I'll just have to figure it out. (yeah i know its freaking confusing, but so am I right now.)
Current Mood: w/ myself
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: Good News...

I'm currently a license holding resident of CT!!!!

I passed my test on tuesday but quite honestly that really didn't mean anything to me until I had physically had my license in my hands. But now I can officially and legally drive!!!! I'm so excited. My dad has to do my insurence stuff and then I will be able to drive myself around. This is going to make my life so much easier. Its been so hard without it. And I know everyone always says that they don't mind driving me, but still I know my friends go pretty far out of their way to give me rides. *cough* Kym, Emily, Mrs. Ferrante, Mrs.Bender, Iain, James, my sister and lots of other ppl *cough*

Now that I can drive I finally take care of my doctor's appointments, maybe get a second job which i kinda of need. I've had so much stress over this and i'm so excited that its finally over. I can just feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders...

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: My Small Crazy Finnish Family...

Last night was such a fun night. I wasn't feeling so well so I rested a lot of the afternoon. But then for dinner, me, my Dad, my Dad's sister Ulla and my fake aunt and uncle Irene and Heikki had dinner. We just have a simple but yummy pasta dinner in the dinning room. It was really fun and my Dad put on some music and it turned out to be one of my records, Cat Stevens. LOL I was so surprised that he had put it on, I asked him if he actually LIKED it. Then he and my Ulla started saying how everyone listened to Cat Stevens in Germany when they lived in Munich. We all started singing along and laughing. It was odd but fun. It was really nice to spend time with them just chatting and laughing. Long story short it was just a night of laughing and catching up. 

Oh and Irene dyed my roots for my and trimmed my hair.

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:

Well I had a really kickass weekend and school is kinda dull as always. And I am currently getting annoyed with this scavenger hunt. I'm tapt out of ideas. *sigh* hopefully it won't completely suck. Let me know if anyone has any fresh ideas.

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: Fun little evening activity for us senoirs to have fun with....

Ok so I had an idea. (Never a good thing, lol) I want to have a Fairfield scavenger hunt. Like get maybe 12-15 of our friends to be on about 4-5 teams for just a random scavenger hunt. The only rules will be do whatever you can to win and don't get arrested! LOL. But seriously I think it'd be super fun. Depending on how much people were into it and how good of a hunt it is. We'd need people to drive I'll be a team's driver but the hunt would have to be about 2-3 weeks from now when I get my license. But let me know if anyone would be into it and if anyone would be a team's driver and stuff and I'll plan the entire thing!!!! I want it to be crazy and random but don't worry nothing too insane lol. Let me know if I should plan something before it gets too cold to do anything atall.

 

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: The Beginning of the End!!! lol, well maybe its not that bad

My last first day of High School wasn't as awesome as I had planned. I guess I just tried too hard to make it perfect. Anyway I'm trying really hard to keep the positive chi flowing. My new thing this year is staying as positive as possible. You only get one senior year.  Maybe I just need to drink lots of coffee tomorrow.

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: Rockin' Out Tonight!!!
I'm going to see MC Lars tonight whoot whoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: excited
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: an old memory...
(WARNING: dumb story from Tiina's childhood!)

So my sister was going through the attic and packing up her shit since she is leaving on Saturday for uconn and she happened to find something that I thought that was long lost. It was a small piece of junk but it was exactly what I needed right now. 
Will the gloomy rain cloud of college, applications, tuition fees, moving out, growing up and stress hanging over all of our heads I've been a little on edge. Its been some what of a theme for me this summer in case you hadn't picked up at this point lol. Well anyway I came today from babysitting and I found a it on my dresser. It was exactly like I remembered it. 
What is this knick knack? Well I'm pretty sure its a paper weight. A fucking paper weight made me stop stressing about the rest of my life!! Wow am I crazy or what? Well anyway its a clear snow globe looking thing with diffrernt colored pearls in it. It actually belonged to my god mother when she was in high school. As a kid whenever we'd go visit my god mother (who actually is only about 15 yrs older than me!) and her family in Rye Brook (when they still lived in America) I'd always play with it. I guess to a 6 year old it was some how entertaining. I'd pretend it was some how magical. Sometimes it was a crystal ball that helped me see my future, or a trinket on a princess's vanity and sometimes I'd just use it to kill the undead. Whatever I used it for it was some how cool. 
Anna would always let me play with it and I'd be so careful not to drop it. I'd even bring it to the dinner table and set it down in front of plate while the "adults" talked. Usually I'd just drown them all out and be off in my own little world. Not much has changed. Once I'm deep in contemplation I'm not pulled put easiliy. 
Anna's senoir year was a hard time for me, she was moving far away. To Finland actually.  I don't remember much else except the fact that I knew I wouldn't see her for a while and I'd miss her terribly. I was so young at the time but I recently found out that she did the same thing I'm planning on doing next summer. She was only 17 when she graduated from High School here in America and she moved to Finland by herself for school. 
Ok thats a big detail not to remember but I was young. What I do remember was her graduation party when she took me up to her room b/c she said she had a present that she wanted to give me. She gave my sister something small but I remember that she made this sound important like it was something special just for me. She told me to close my eyes and put out my hands. 
I did as she asked and wondered what she would give me. And of course she gave me my snow globe/paper weight. It was one of the best gifts I ever got, I remember I kept asking her if she really wanted to part with it. She laughed and said that since I loved it so much it was all mine and the only reason she kept it for so long was so that I could have something to play with when my family visited. 
I remember I didn't put it down all night and proudly showed everyone at the graduation party my gift. I remember saying goodbye to Anna begging her not to go. She just apologized and said it was something she had to do but that I'd see her soon. 
Now surprisingly Anna and the entire Seppala family are my research team for schools in Finland, lol. Its funny how I didn't really remember any of this until my Dad told me a couple of months ago. 
Well anyway, I'm not sure what my snow globe/paper weight is supposed to mean to me now. Maybe I should use it to try to conjure fairies or to kill zombies. But one thing for sure, I'm pretty sure I can still see the future in it.
Current Mood: nostalgic
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: Here we go again, another emo rant about life...
I've been wondering lately why my life is such a mess. And I've realized that I don't give a shit.  Many people would look at my messy little life and laugh or maybe even gasp. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. This small realization of mine actually came from an Ikea catalog. I was looking at a picture of a room. The room was filled with everything black and red. I liked it, but I didn't love it. And then I realized why. I'm not content living in a world where there are sharp edges and clear lines. As difficult as it can be I absolutely love my own chaos. At times I think it might break me, rip me apart. One thing I've learned through all of this crap that I've had to deal with is that what doesn't kill you only shapes your character, thickens your skin. SO when it comes down to it, if I had the choise between sharp clear cut red abd black furniture and a room full of life and chaos all at the same time, I'm pretty sure that you can figure out for yourself which I'd prefer.
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:

So I know I haven't posted ina while. But Since I'm having kind of a blah week I thought I write pretty for the the sole purpose of ranting and getting things off my chest. So feel free to disregard this entire thing, its pure ranting, not me being a drama queen. 
Anyway I've kind of had an anti-social week. I really haven't hung out with anyone just stayed home kind of being depressed. Why is it that now when I'm the lest busy work and school-wise I'm most occupied mentally? I guess I've just got time to think about things more. Which is bad b/c now everything is bothering. I'm kind of in a weird place. A couple of weeks ago I couldn't wait to get out of Fairfield. I still can't wait to bust out of here. But now I'm also feeling sad. Like I'm going to miss a lot of things when I'm gone. I mean I'm not going to be able to come home on weekends, do laundry and stay in my room, like most of my friends will be able to. I guess thats the blessing and curse of going so far. I'm going to miss my Dad and my fake relatives in Fairfield. I'm going to miss the safty of High School. Yeah sometimes its too restrictive, but its also a safe place to completely screw up with no dire consequences. 
It almost seems cruel doesn't it? Moving out and going to school. A socially accepted form of eviction. Graduation day you're thrown out on your ass and made to live on your own. DOn't get me wrong I know I'm going to fine. I'm pretty good at taking care of myself and dealing with things when I have to. And moving out and leaving is one thing that I have to do. So it'll be hard like it is for everyone at first, but I can do it. It just won't make leaving any easier. 
This probably sounds like rambling but whatever. As much as I want adventure I find myself questioning everything. I mean going to Finland is my choice, I want to do it. But that doesn't make it any easier. 
I guess all I can do is make this last year the best one yet. I want this to be the best senior year for all of us. 

"I pack my case. 
I check my face. 
I look a little bit older. 
I look a little bit colder. 
With one deep breath, 
and one big step, 
I move a little bit closer. 
I move a little bit closer. 
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride. 
I flew and flied.
 I know if destiny’s kind, 
I’ve got the rest on my mind."
-The Killers 
(I have no idea what this song is really about but who cares, the begining fits) 

Current Mood: sad
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: website update
The computer godess known as kym to us morals has promised to help me create my website and i couldn't be excited. I know she is really talented when it comes to computer stuff and she is also very pacient with my computer retardness. I can't wait to get it up and going. Its going to be so nice to have place solely for my rants and my raves. sorry that my LJ has had to play host them thus far. I can't remember the last time i was so excited about something like this. Probably in Mr.Flynn's class before one of my cray debates. 
You know I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm not talented at acting and writting/ directing movies like carrie, and i'm not a computer genius like kym. But I do have one thing that all of my very talented friends have. And that is passion. Though I can't really define what I'm passionate about, but i know its there.  At least I hope it is. I care about humanity, poetry, tolerance, truth, femminism, justice, music, culture, fairness, art, and life itself. 
Yes I'm completely aware that this sounds quite odd but whatever. I'm so tired of living in this bubble. For the most part people hear just fall out of cookie cutter molds of "typical fairfield kids". There are very few real people. Though that makes the original people in my life more important it doesn't change the fact that i still desperately want to get out of here. I want to meet new people and experiance new things and see new places. I just need a change...
Current Mood: contemplative
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: WHY ME?!

I'm going into the city tomorrow to meet up with a friend. And gogol bordello is playing just minutes from where we are going to be. And its sold out. I'm fucking never going to get to see gogol bordello. first i don't get to go to finland, and i didn't get to see ruisrock (or gogol!) now i'm missing them again!!!! my life sometimes really sucks.

Current Mood: crappy
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: I've decided that I'm going to make a website. On my website I will keep all of my political and social writtings, and rants about the bigger more important things. I think I'd be a really good outlet for me to do something productive with all of my work. And I honestly don't give a crap if no one reads it, but i think it will give me piece of mind to have something i can point to and say "hey look at all that pointless dribble! I did all of that, it came out of my head." Carrie finally got to show everyone the genious that exists in her mind through her play. This would be a small way for me to do that. Although I'm not sure how much genious will be on the page. Anyway seeing her play made we wish i could accomplish some major project. And considering i don't even know how to to design a webpage this will be pretty interesting. Anyone that has the slightest idea of how to go about creating a webpage and would be willing to point me in the right direction it would greatly appreciated. 

Oh and by the way I think that my head is going to explode. The rehersal dinner is tomorrow and I'm still working on my speech, i have finals in the morning and my sister won't stop treating me like shit. this is the only spare 10 minutes i've gotten to myself today other than using the potty. well i g2g back to the mines. good luck on finals everyone!
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: my current mood

Lately I find myself getting pissed off by very minute unimportant things. This is stuff that under normal circumstances wouldn't make me even bat an eye lash. But lately the smallest things get me really upset. All it takes is the most minute thing to get me upset. I'm so on edge, i can't wait for this fucking school year to be over and for me to get my license it will make my life so much less stressful. 

I just can't wait for this wedding to me over. I feel horrible for thinking that about my own cousin's wedding but i want it to be over. More importantly i want the school year to be over. This has been the worst year of my life so far and i just want it to be over. So I'm sorry to anyone that I have personally snapped at. 

I don't think anyone really gets what exactly what I've been through, and I don't think anyone really can understand it. But I haven't been feeling well and I have been so stressed. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Why can't anyone just fucking cut me some slack?! I'm being pulled in every direction and its killing me. I know its only a few days left but I feel like I'm going snap and completely bitch someone out before the week is over.

And my god, why can't everyone leave Paris Hilton alone and worry about something that actually matters?

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: Post High School Planning
Well I talked to my Dad and apparently I might have to graduate from high school here in America next year and then move to Finland (by myself of course) get an appartment and go through another year of high school because in Finland kids graduate from high school when they're about 19 instead of 18. And anyway most kids take a semester to a year to work and apply for college because it is really competative. So I might have to repeat senoir year in Finland just to settle myself in and maybe get a better graps of the language. I can speak fine its just the writting that is the problem. Although most universities in big cities offer classes in english. 

Or, there is always plan B which also involves moving to back to the old country. I move to Finland get a job and an apartment and just live there for a year, support myself, get a better graps of the language become evern more fluent and then apply for college. SO pretty much i have no fucking idea what i want to do with my life. I think I'm most likely going to go with plan B. I've been through fucking hell these past almost two years. Taking a year to work my ass off, save some money, maybe travel a little in Europe and figure out what i want, what makes me happy sounds really nice. As much as the idea of not going to college right away scares me it also sounds really nice. 

Its an idea that I actually never thought of until my Dad brought it up. Most kids take about a year off before the they go to college. And still have that one year I'll still be younger than most of the college freshman. Its idea that was just brought up so i'll have to think about it. You know most of the i'm negative and complain about my situation, but maybe it was worth it. Maybe taking a year to work and travel is what i should do. I have every intention on going to college. Its not just societal crap forced on me, i really and truely want to go. But who knows maybe taking some time will be good for me?

But what if I don't make any friends?What is everyone there completely hates me and i find absolutely nothing fun to do. I mean if I'm not in school how will i meet new people? Well I suppose if i get a job with people my own age that shouldn't be too much of a problem. As cool as I might act about moving, honestly i'm scared to death. Its exciting but really scary. I mean think about it, pretty much everyone i know is going to school relatively close, if they ever get into a really bad situation they can always call up their parents to send them money or even drive to see them. I for the most part will be completely alone. I'll have relatives but they live in the country and the ones in the city are in 2 hrs from Helsinki and on my mom's side. 

Well I just don't know. I might think back on this and be like "wow tiina you're dumb" or this could be what i end up doing. its something to think about. 



what does everyone think of my hair????
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